This is Why I'm Single

Another one from the other blog, but still pertinent.
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romance refresher

I may have written about this before, so if you’ve read this before please feel free to stop at any time. However, I am sure it will be even more brilliant and eloquent the second time around. (and if you’re a man, you probably need a refresher)

Yes, it IS a year later, and yes, I AM still single. I want to be wooed. Is that bad or anti-feminist of me? I want sweet cards and flowers. I like having doors held for me. It is a big turn on to be wanted and desired, right? I mean, who wouldn’t want that?? Have a I been single too long? Do these things now happen in real life these days? Is what I would like only a Hollywood-induced fantasy of how romance is? I mean, I don’t need to be swept off to Paris on someone’s private jet. I am not unrealistic. A sweet email, a text, a card, flowers.

Take note men: Women still like (and want) romance. We’re suckers for it! The old adage “You get more flies with honey, than with vinegar” stands the test of time! It doesn’t have to be extravagant, just thoughtful. Find out what they like and indulge them! This goes for you married men as much (or more) as it does for single men.

I am sure you all do thoughtful things. Thoughtful and romantic are not synonymous. Thoughtful will get you a hug or kiss; romantic will get you, well, you know. PLAN a date, don’t leave it up to us. Be original. Hold our hand in public sometimes. If you try, I promise, we’ll appreciate it, and we’ll love that you tried, even if you do something corny and silly, we’ll be happy.

Maybe I am wrong. Maybe it is just me.

I don’t really mind being single most of the time, but sometimes I do miss a lot of things about being in a relationship.  Of course having someone to have sex with on a regular basis who knows you and your body and what you like is one of the huge perks, but it’s not even the thing I miss the most.

I miss the companionship and little things that come from being intimate with someone. I miss having someone who knows what I like and what I don’t like.  It’s nice to have someone who knows how you got that scar on your forehead when you were sick.  Someone who know how you drink your coffee or your tea, or that you don’t even drink coffee.  Someone who sees that crescent moon and thinks, “Oh, he loves ‘the fingernail’ moon”.  Someone who hears/sees/tastes/smells a picture/book/movie/flower/sandwich/salad/candle and thinks he/she will love/hate it. Someone who knows you’d rather have two tickets to a UNC basketball game over stupid roses everyday of the week.  Someone who knows if you prefer the mountains or the beach more.  Someone you can sit and be in a comfortable silence while one of you reads and the other one watches tv or whatever.  Someone who knows you prefer Peter Pan to Jif.  Someone who knows when and to whom you lost your virginity.  Someone who laughs at your stupid jokes.  Someone who laughs at themself without getting feelings hurt. Someone who knows you hate grits, but because you love them, you learn how to make them. Someone who knows what your favorite book/movie/tv show is without thinking about it.  Someone who loves you even though your family and friends are nuts, and you are too, more than a little.  Someone who brings you chicken and rice soup and grilled cheese sandwiches from Lizard’s Thicket when you’re sick.  Someone who knows your “hangover” foods.  Someone who knows you cuss too much, drink too much, talk too much, do everything too much but doesn’t care because they do their own things too much too, and you’ve found a way to balance that out and still be in love. Someone who knows you like trash tv or that you only like public radio.  Someone who knows the movies that always make you cry.  Someone who knows you always lose your keys and umbrella and other random things.  Someone who knows what you’re scared of even though you claim to be scared of nothing.  Someone who lets you have your way, but not all the time.  Someone who respects you and is honest with you, regardless of how it might affect them.  Someone who agrees that you can sleep with Jon Stewart if you ever have the chance.  Someone who agrees with you that Glenn Beck is a tool, and not a useful one.   Someone who helps you laugh when there isn’t much to laugh about.

Maybe everyone is right.  I guess I am too picky.

“Oh, we’re just friends.”

How does it happen?  You like a guy, or you have a more than passing interest in a guy.  A guy likes you, maybe.  You start hanging out, becoming friends.  Then it happens. You don’t mean for it to. It might not be his intention either.  But there it is. You’re friends, no longer possible romantic interests.

Friends.  It sounds so anticlimactic.  I mean, we all have friends.  We all want friends, but when a possible romantic interest hits that friend zone, that is most likely where it will stay.  Why?  No one wants to “ruin a friendship” by taking it to the next level, by making that hanging out and going to the movie into an actual date, by grabbing sushi with “her” as one step closer to an actual relationship.  It’s easier to be friends.  Not friends with benefits because you know that will lead to one or the other of you having actual “feelings” for the other one.  So, you end up being friends, platonic daters.

I have fallen in the friend zone dozens of times.  Guys who have liked me have fallen there.  The gap is just too great.  The risk too extreme.  One or the other of you might actually have romantic ideas, heck, maybe even both of you, but once you fall in the friend zone, you are too scared to chance it.  “If I tell her I want to be more than his friends, he’ll freak out and it won’t be the same”  – too many broken hearts between the both of you.

Of course, who wants to fall in love with their friend?  Who wants their best friend to be the person they marry and spend the rest of their lives with, sharing all of their hopes, fears, dreams, defeats, successes?  Why would you want to have sex with someone who cares about your feelings and knows your insecurities and peculiarities, but wants to make love to you, not in spite of, but because of your quirks? (Remember Jonathan Swift? Ever learn about a Modest Proposal? Yeah, apply that here…)

It’s just easier. We’re lazy.  We’re scared.  We take the easy way out at all turns.  I’m guilty of it.  Plenty of people are.  Will I do anything differently?  Probably not.  I did it in middle school, pined over a friend who had no interest in me, while another boy I had no interest in was miserable because we were “just friends”. High school wasn’t much different.  I puppy dogged after this one guy for all four years.  Oddly, enough, much later, I found out he was wishing we were out of the friend zone as much as I was, but we were chickenshits.  I have been amazed at the number of guys who have told me in recent years about crushed they had on me in high school.  Seriously? I went dateless and boyfriendless for most of my high school years because we were “just friends”, and they were too intimidated to do anything?  How can I be so indignant?  I was just as bad. As an adult I have done it.  I think I let more than one “good one” get away because I was worried he’d be scared off and I’d lose a great friend.  Do the risks outweigh the rewards?

I will say that every boyfriend I have ever had started out as a friend.  We were friends for weeks, months, years then we dated.  AND every boyfriend I had I got because I made the first move, asked them out.  (That’s a different blog topic though – the pussification of men.)

So, what to do?  Nothing. I will go on stuck in the friend zone along with millions of others.  But watch out, once I set my sites on you,  it’s a done deal.