This is Why I'm Single

worst date ever.

Posted on: June 10, 2012

Recently, someone asked me about my most memorable date. Most of the dates that I have had that are memorable are memorable because they were so crappy. It reminded me of the worst date I ever had.

When I was in 11th grade, my best friend Debbie and I had met these college freshmen boys from USC. Details on how we met them escape me. One boy in particular caught my eye, Dante. I know. I know. The name alone should have warned me, but I was young, and he was hot. Picture it, Columbia, 1986, a beautiful young high school junior meets a hot young college freshman. Okay, I was slightly above average looking, but he WAS hot. He had long blonde hair, -hey, it was the 80s damnit- blue eyes, and best of all, he was realllly smart. I have always been a sucker for a smart guy. Anyway, after we had all been hanging out one Friday night, I drinking a two liter bottle of Sun Country cherry wine coolers, the rest drinking beer or wine, Dante asked me out. Woohoo! Well, I should have known better. The date was riding with him to Rock Hill to drop off some winter things and pick up some other things because it was getting close to time for school to be over.

That night, Debbies front axle fell out of The Banana Boat and we waited literally hours on Main Street in front of the USC School of Law for her lame ass dad to send a tow truck to get us. Lord knows HE was not going to do it. We got home around daylight. Dante was picking me up at 7:30 to leave for Rock Hill. To this day I do not why we left that early. Needless to say, I was extraordinarily sleepy, but I went. It was downhill from there.

Problem 1

I had explained to him about how we had not gotten much sleep, hoping he would let me off the hook for a small nap (as a REAL gentleman would have), but he said, Aw man, that sucks! I bet you are tired. Lets talk about the most boring subject I can think of. Okay, he didnt say that last partbut he proceeded to do just that! Granted, I am a relatively intelligent girl. Even as a high school girl, I could carry my own in most any conversation on nearly any topic. HOWEVER, just because I COULD talk about any topic did not mean I WANTED to. I do not even KNOW how this topic arose, but someone I found myself in a discussion over the Watergate scandal. Why were young adults talking about freaking Watergate at 8:00 on a beautiful spring morning? Perhaps I would not have minded so much if I had gotten more than 1 and a half hour of sleep. I was just NOT in the mood. Finally, the KIMFINNEY in me came out and I said, Do we really have nothing more interesting we can talk about? He became a little miffed, but he let it go.

Problem 2

When we arrived in Rock Hill, I was getting my third or fourth wind and we were getting along. When we walked into his house I met his mother. SHE WAS AN OLDER VERSION OF ME! My new crush had an Oedipal complex! She had short curly dark hair like I had, fair skin, bubbly personality. She was really nice! We were also wearing the exact same sweater, color and all. I was so freaked out. Dante spent the next two hours ignoring me and talking to his mom. He was definitely a mamas boy. She started his laundry! We had to stay until his dirty clothes were clean.

Problem 3

His father came in and we all had lunch. I dont even remember what it was, but at least it was edible. While we were eating, someone was outside practicing a TRUMPET! It was very nearby and we could hear every single botched note clearly. I was slap happy from the sleep deprivation and the entire twilight zone aspect of this date, that I started laughing and couldnt stop. I know his mom and dad thought I was a fool.

Problem 4

We barely spoke the entire trip home, so it was big fun. I did mention that his mom and I bore a striking resemblance. He didnt seem to appreciate the observation.

Problem 5

When we got back to Columbia, instead of taking me home first, he went to his dorm, parking a good two blocks away and asked me to help him carry all this crap we had brought back! I toted this big ass basket of his freshly laundered clothing while he carried two guitars.

Problem 6

Oh, yeah, did I mention he was a musician.

Problem 7

When we got home, I think he actually wanted to give me a good bye kiss! WHAT??? He must have been NUTS. I jumped out of that car, yelled bye over my shoulder and bounded up the steps to my house. Only stopping once I was safely inside.

This was hands down the worst date I had been on. I only refer to it as a date because he said, wanna go out? I didnt hear from him for several months. Then one night, I was working on some project for history when he appeared on my doorstep. I invited him in to be polite, which is where the niceties ended. We made small talk. He made some comment and I retorted. It was so unimportant that I dont even know what it was about now. He said, You always have to have the last word.

I said, No, I dont. You do.

He laughed and said, Uh. No.

I said, Really? Then what are you doing here? You had to get the last word after that disaster of a date when I yelled bye and took off.

He said, I just came by to see how you were doing.

I just smiled. I figured if I gave him the freakin last word, hed leave me the hell alone. Nooooo. He kept going on and on defending himself. Finally, I said, Listen, I need to finish this, youre gonna have to leave.

Oh, Okay.

As he was walking out of the door, I did get the last word. I said, Glad you got that last word you were seeking. And slammed the door.

2 Responses to "worst date ever."

In general, here’s two tips I live by on dates and I assume other people should well know not to violate. 1) Neutrality: don’t bring me to a place where all your friends are at and even worse where your parents are at. We’re meeting on the same ground and I don’t want to have to deal with learning the awkward interactions and in jokes you’ve developed with a whole slew of people while I’m just trying to get to know you. 2) Just be nice and thoughtful. If you want to do an activity, don’t complain if I’m not good at it if you knew I hadn’t done it beforehand. In fact, just be nice. That’s all I’m asking. Be nice and considerate.

Well, I was 16 and he seems so cool. WRONG. Luckily, I’m a smart cookie and learn from my mistakes, which might be why I’m still single…

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